life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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