Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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