I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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