Got a toothbrush?
I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
