Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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