Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
We're too hungover to prance.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
