just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
my shit smells like andre
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
