I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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