So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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