I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
