im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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