By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
accomplished twins. life is a go
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
