I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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