remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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