we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
