Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
