before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
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