Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize