my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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