i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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