Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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