I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
