she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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