I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Randomize
