Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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