She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
