why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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