His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
