I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
