so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
