Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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