4 words: hood of his car
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
