Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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