she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
