I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
