omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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