Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
