i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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