On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my shit smells like andre
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
