I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize