Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
