watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
