My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
