It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize