Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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