You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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