It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
