he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
