I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
