What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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