She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
