I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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