someone threw a dead crab at me
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
