Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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