Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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