I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Randomize
