I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
