Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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