she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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