saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
