Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You took a bar mat shot.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
